The truth is, marriage is unfortunate.
A bunch of counselors talk about marital therapy at meals and discuss which treatment works for marriage.
The conclusion is that divorce is the most effective.
Because, “Marriage is essentially a place where partners project their identities to each other. If we can’t manage the unconscious projection of the two sides, we can’t govern the marriage.
In men, women project an inner parent who ignores themselves, pays no attention to herself and does not accept herself. So they complain every day.
Men project on women a parent who controls themselves and castrates them, so they run away every day.
Divorce is the only way to end this projection.
When we lose the field and condition of projection, we have to withdraw the unrealistic fantasies of others and withdraw all kinds of delusions.
Only when you get along with your weakness, cowardice and incompetence, can you clarify what is speculation, what is reality, what is relationship and what is yourself.
At this time, marriage will return to its original meaning: relationship.
Two people will return to their essential roles: you and I.
That sounds both accurate and frustrating.
Yeah, why can’t we put down projection, control and connect with another real self in marriage?
Why do we always encounter misfortune?
Because we ourselves are unfortunate.
You’ve been abused, I’ve been alienated, he’s been violent, she’s been controlled…
Everyone with a trauma, stumbled and stumbled to grow up.
Because of all the above misfortunes, in our relationship, we all think that this is a “hospital” that can heal the wounds of early life.
Girls whose fathers grow up in absentia will repeat an action when they grow up: finding a father.
They think that if they find a “father” who loves them, the crying child in their heart will be satisfied.
But it often fails.
Because this connection process is not a brand new relationship, but a copy of the father-daughter relationship.
It won’t compensate you.
On the contrary——
How did you yearn for your father in your childhood and how did you depend on the man next to your pillow after marriage?
How did you fear being abandoned in your childhood, how did you suffer from gains and losses and fear of helplessness after marriage?
It doesn’t matter who he is.
The important thing is that you will be abandoned again and return to loneliness because of anxiety, unwillingness, grievance, anger, hysteria, as you expected.
Back to loneliness, you will feel pain, but also feel a hidden peace of mind.
Because that’s what you’re most familiar with in childhood.
“No one wants me.”
“A man like me is destined to live alone all his life.”
“That’s my life.”
You will feel that everything is validating your prediction.
Whatever you don’t know, it’s all the process of directing without your knowing it.
—— You had sex for it long before the relationship started, written scripts, arranged conflicts, and set the end.
Next, the process of getting together is presented bit by bit in accordance with your rehearsal.
Take another example.
Girls who were depreciated in their childhood would unconsciously seek a man with poor conditions to accompany them.
Because her inner voice is:
“I don’t deserve it.”
“Excellent men look down on me.”
“Even if they get it, excellent men just want to play with me and will leave. At that time, I will be very painful.
“His condition is so bad that he is now submissive to me. Although he has regrets, he should be able to give me happiness.”
As for the other party’s various unsatisfactory points, such as short, ugly, fat, poor, dirty, cheap, stingy, silly, she will hate, will also blame.
But in the blame, her subconscious sense of superiority will be secretly satisfied.
At the same time, she will feel that the relationship is controllable.
“He will not leave me.”
“Although he is as fat as a pig, ugly and shit, he will always love me, which is very reassuring to me.”
“He will listen to me, take care of my emotions, and stay with me.”
This kind of relationship between the strong and the weak is more reassuring to her than a match between the strong and the weak.
So when a girl with low self-worth meets a frustrated man, it’s hard for her to leave.
Because what she longs for is not love, but recognition, security and superiority.
This phenomenon can be seen all around us.
A good-looking, well-paid, talented girl finally chooses to combine with short, ugly, poor and foolish.
Because in the early days of her life, she was also oppressed, blamed, criticized and belittled.
“You are not good” gradually internalized into “I am not good”.
“I’m not good” gradually becomes “I’m not good enough”.
When she enters an intimate relationship very similar to that between mother and child, early trauma is triggered and then projected on the frustrated man a parent who belittles himself.
She will use various ways to make the other party recognize herself.
Daily communication becomes a dispute between right and wrong.
Every little thing becomes a win-lose struggle.
Views on people, things and things must be based on their own standards, which can not be refuted and doubted.
“Everyone else is a bunch of fools.”
“What? You said I wasn’t right? Break up!
In the process, the frustrated man will also project a controlling parent on you.
This kind of behavior and speech, stimulate his wounds, he will instinctively resist, emphasizing that you are wrong, is bad, is bad…
Then you will find that the motor of fate has been working.
It leads you to similar places.
The end point is the starting point.
Going to the place is the way home.
Because you never gave up on projection and never had introspection.
Because they don’t grow up in a perfect family, they are all living bodies with so many souls.
In a marriage relationship, you instinctively project shadows, fears, and anger on the other person, which in turn triggers conflict and breaks the relationship.
When you hear this, many people must ask: So, should we despair about the relationship?
Quite the opposite.
Roman Roland has a good saying, true heroism is to still love life after seeing the truth of life.
What is desperate? !
Understand that everything is not perfect, you are no longer harsh, and you have to let go of the perfectionist heart and treat the real person.
Therefore, many psychologists say that marriage is not a good thing that must be managed.
It’s like you don’t have to take 100 points when you are in the middle school exam.
In the workplace, you don’t have to make million dollars annual income.
On the scale, you don’t have to control it below 100 pounds.
Since you understand and accept that everything is flawed, why not accept marriage imperfections?
Marriage to be happy is a spell in itself, because it means there are many standards.
For example, to have money.
Have good communication.
We have to eat a lot of meals together.
Travel from time to time.
Have a good relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law…
If the standard is not met, you will be anxious.
Similarly, when you ask a person, what is a good husband, she tells you the answer.
Her answer is also a standard.
If your husband does not reach you, you will feel inferior.
There will be high and low comparisons.
If you have a high or low level, you will suffer.
What we should do is to put aside the benchmark of “marriage should, marriage must be, marriage is” and live in a real relationship.
Face your relationship with an unpredictable position;
Face your relationship with unpredictable knowledge;
To face the person in front of you with a feeling of not casting –
That person, it is not a father, nor a mother, it is a brand new person.
He has no obligation and no ability to deal with all your hardships.
There is no responsibility, no possibility, and all your expectations.
You can’t take the requirements of your parents as a requirement for your partner.
What you have to do is to get out of the state that “babies need to be symbiotic with their parents”, complete self-division and become a truly peaceful adult.
Can’t do this, all marriages are imprisoned.
If you do it, you will nourish it.